Instead of writing a review of Breaking Dawn part 1 I am going to write the script as I heard it.
SCENE: Bella's house, or someone's house. Someone who is MAJOR RICH HOLY FUCK. Big ass house. Bella is nervous about her wedding to Edward Cullen.
Bella: I'm nervous about my wedding.
Ashley Greene, I don't know her character's name, it doesn't matter: You should learn to wear high heels and stop dressing like such a lesbian.
Some character, Nikki Reed? Lord she sucks: Hair! Makeup! Dress!
Later that day, Bella and Edward have an unnecessary conversation but the music indicates it's very important so let's watch.
Later that day, Bella and Edward have an unnecessary conversation but the music indicates it's very important so let's watch.
Bella: I'm sort of nervous but whatevz.
Edward: I've been a vampire and I've killed a lot of people and it was totally great.
Bella: Right on.
SCENE: Wedding occurs. Jacob shows up. Some unnecessary conversation about feelings.
Blah blah blah, honeymoon.
Edward: It's so much fun to play chess and have sex in this wonderful house on our honeymoon than do anything or meet any people or have conversations with each other.
Edward: It's so much fun to play chess and have sex in this wonderful house on our honeymoon than do anything or meet any people or have conversations with each other.
Bella: Agreed. Checkmate!
Bella eats chicken. It's disgusting. Did you know it's fake chicken because Kristen Stewart is a vegetarian? I made that up. Anyway she barfs.
Bella: My period is late.
Edward: What's that gotta do with me, babe? (I picture John Travolta saying this)
Bella eats chicken. It's disgusting. Did you know it's fake chicken because Kristen Stewart is a vegetarian? I made that up. Anyway she barfs.
Bella: My period is late.
Edward: What's that gotta do with me, babe? (I picture John Travolta saying this)
Bella: There is a baby inside of me and he is ready to party.
Edward: A BABY??!?!?! (he spits out the blood he was drinking in a comical fashion)(Two and a Half Men theme song plays)
Bella gets back to Colorado or Montana (?) and she's way sick and pregnant and she looks nasty, like the Cryptkeeper. "Here's a tale you can really sink your teeth into! Hee hee hee hee!" Anyway the next few scenes are like Rosemary's Baby in that she is pregnant and it makes her sick and gross but that's about it.
Jacob: Bella is pregnant and this is going to really mess with my tribe/pack! Let's war!
Bella is clearly about to have a very disgusting birth.
Peter Facinelli, man, he never really made it, did he?: This baby is going to kill Bella!
Bella: I'm right here lol.
Edward: I'll bite into her belly and pop that sucker out! (he does this)(that same damn audio of a baby crying you hear in every movie is heard, so you know the baby is alive)
Bella: Oh my daughter is beautiful! Bleh I'm dead.
Edward and Jacob: This upsets us as much as our facial expressions can allow (so not that upset I guess)
WAR!
Jacob comes to the really rich house to kill Edward and he sees Bella's baby whose name is Chattanooga Choo-Choo and he drops to his knees because the baby is so cute and it warms his heart.
Edward: Bella, no! I am a little upset that you're dead! I might go after that one girl with the big titties. Is that OK? I am going to bite you and make you a vampire! (he does this)
Audience collectively faints from the drama of it all and the upsetting birth scene. See you in 2012!
Bella gets back to Colorado or Montana (?) and she's way sick and pregnant and she looks nasty, like the Cryptkeeper. "Here's a tale you can really sink your teeth into! Hee hee hee hee!" Anyway the next few scenes are like Rosemary's Baby in that she is pregnant and it makes her sick and gross but that's about it.
Jacob: Bella is pregnant and this is going to really mess with my tribe/pack! Let's war!
Bella is clearly about to have a very disgusting birth.
Peter Facinelli, man, he never really made it, did he?: This baby is going to kill Bella!
Bella: I'm right here lol.
Edward: I'll bite into her belly and pop that sucker out! (he does this)(that same damn audio of a baby crying you hear in every movie is heard, so you know the baby is alive)
Bella: Oh my daughter is beautiful! Bleh I'm dead.
Edward and Jacob: This upsets us as much as our facial expressions can allow (so not that upset I guess)
WAR!
Jacob comes to the really rich house to kill Edward and he sees Bella's baby whose name is Chattanooga Choo-Choo and he drops to his knees because the baby is so cute and it warms his heart.
Edward: Bella, no! I am a little upset that you're dead! I might go after that one girl with the big titties. Is that OK? I am going to bite you and make you a vampire! (he does this)
Audience collectively faints from the drama of it all and the upsetting birth scene. See you in 2012!
