Natalie Portman sucks

Yeah I know I'm probably too tired to actually write something insightful about this. And I know this probably has something to do with the hostility I have toward my own gender (oh sure, like I'm the first), but Natalie Portman sucks.

Whenever you see her in a movie, it's not "oh, it's that character, so-n-so," or "that's the movie where she plays that doctor/nurse/mom/etc," it's just like "oh, there's Natalie Portman, being shitty." And I know you'll say "oh but she's good in Beautiful Girls!" That shitty movie no one would even remember if it weren't for how famous she got? Somewhere there is a DVD of that movie sitting in a clearance bin for $2. Because no one cares. I won't even count her as Queen Amiblahblahblah* because 1) the Star Wars prequels are irrelevant to me and 2) I wish I had a grilled cheese.

You might bring up Closer but I don't remember that movie, like, at all. Except for that song in the end, because my mom plays it on her kitchen stereo all the time. The bottom line is, I'm hilarious. But the real bottom line is, this girl can't act. She's a walking Noxema commercial who made it big. I want to see her be miscast as an illiterate single mom so I can just laugh and laugh.

Now, do I really even care about this? No. Am I drunk? Also, no. Will I post this without editing? Yes. But my point remains clear, as clear as the skin in a Noxema commercial I previously mentioned.

* oh and that's a Pee Wee Herman reference, chumps

Get out and vote today!

I'm voting for Mayor McCheese. I really like his stance on fries and healthcare.

The red M&M is a drunk

See?
I can just picture this asshole being really drunk at a bar and interrupting people. I bet he'd be like "yo I gotta go, guys" and put like $7 on the table when he clearly drank the whole pitcher and ate more than half the fries.

Machete

Before I review Machete and become even more unpopular, let me say that I LOVED Grindhouse (2007). Grindhouse + Audrey 4 eva, my spiral notebook might say on the back cover.


Loved it. It's fun, it's gory, it's silly, it's playful, it's two movies in one. It's the Pert Plus of movies if instead of washing and detangling your hair it killed your face off (pretend I said something cooler there). It starts with a hilarious trailer for Machete, followed by Robert Rodriguez's zombie movie Planet Terror. Before the second movie are three more fake trailers for B-movies and the film ends with Quentin Tarantino's car chase/girl power! revenge flick, Death Proof. People know who Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino are and what their movies are like. The film looks grainy and choppy; at one point there is a "Missing Reel" slide during what was otherwise a hot sex scene. It's supposed to look like drive-through B-movie camp from the '70s. Hot girls and gore. Rose McGowan is underrated. I loved it all around.

No one else did. Or at least, not enough people to make it a box office success. People were confused that it was TWO movies in one and some left after the first one. Others were apparently bothered by having to sit through two movies (oh no! Dear God! TWO?! I WANTED TO SEE ONE!!!!) Most of the critics whose opinion I seriously consider when I see a movie liked it. When Ebert was healthy enough to review it, he was not impressed. I thought it was fun and ridiculous, even if Death Proof dragged (the payoff was worth it. Kurt Russell wails like a dramatic child in one scene. Too funny). It didn't last very long in theaters and once it came out on DVD, it was released as two separate and inferior movies. Grindhouse will only be released in it's entirety on Blu-Ray, over three years after its theatrical release.

Machete, starring Danny Trejo, was the most marketable of all of the fake trailers. It's fun and silly and violent in a little over two minutes. Also, two sets of bare boobs. It started off the movie on a high note. Now it's an actual movie, directed by Rodriguez and co-directed by Ethan Maniquis. Danny Trejo has this look on his face like he knows he's bad as hell but he's too cool too care, like his mind is on something else (did I return my library books?) Just as in the trailer, Machete is framed for murder and uncovers a larger conspiracy, leaving bodies and blood in his wake. Robert DeNiro plays an anti-immigration senator up for re-election who doesn't want anyone to mess with Texas. Jessica Alba is an immigrations cop and a love interest for Machete, and her range of emotion never seems to contort how pretty her face is (which is to say, her range is limited). Lindsay Lohan has a few lines and looks adorable with her freckles and wavy, yellow hair. Michelle Rodriguez is the owner of a taco stand and a rebellious, no-nonsense hottie. Other actors in small to larger parts are Cheech Marin, Don Johnson and Jeff Fahey (reprising his role in the trailer).


The violence is fun, Trejo is beautiful, Steven Seagal is ponytailed, and a scene involving one unlucky individuals' intestines was delightful. Yet, I feel like... So? It's awkward how the scenes in the Machete trailer fit into the movie. I'm not surprised at these moments and I feel like the audience responded most positively to them. I liked the timely subject matter, but the movie as a whole took itself way too seriously. It's not nearly as fun or funny as the trailer, save for a few moments ("Machete don't text"). Jessica Alba is as bland as she's ever been. Keep her in romantic comedies, please. The editing feels kind of done at the last minute and only one scene (the intestines scene) really gets the gore right. I wanted more "oh shit, did that just happen?!" moments like I had during Piranha 3D.

I still liked this movie, I like that Danny Trejo is the star of a major picture and I like the commentary on immigration paired with the violence. However, it just didn't have the fun and campiness in 105 minutes that it had in those first 2:22 of Grindhouse.

A text message conversation between my sister Emily and I this morning.

Emily: I'm at Mystic Lake Casino for a conference. There's rotating seat covers on the toilets. Fancy!

Me: Yeah that's for the old people at the casinos b/c they're complainy germaphobes.

Emily: But it feels so sanitary and special.

Your mama is a sheep

Like you, I spent Mother's Day with my mom. Also like you, I took her to the Sheep and Wool Festival at the Washington County Fairgrounds in Lake Elmo, MN.

This goat told me a secret. I cannot tell anyone what he told me. It's frightening and it will go with me to my grave. OK, I CANNOT KEEP IT IN ANY LONGER!!! He told me that he's adorable.

I'm bad at keeping secrets!

This guy below wants to know what you're doing this weekend. Are you free? He's free. He's bored. Are you going to a party? He'd love to go. Where is it? If you're not going to a party, want to stay in and watch a movie?

Alpacas are kind of snooty. You say skittish, I say snooty.

Too good to tell me secrets like the goat did. Psh. Whatever. I'm not hurt or anything. It's not like I'm crying right now over this keyboard.

My younger brother, James, posed for a photo.

Don't even think about making a joke about his horns. He's heard 'em all!

These sheep were running away from my latest open mic. I'm kidding! They were being herded by a border collie (who by coincidence was running away from my latest open mic)

I took this little guy home. OOPS, was I not supposed to?

So cute. What shall I name him? I've never named a goat before except for those 7 times. Maybe Waffles Ebert Danny Trejo Callerstrom III, but I haven't given it much thought.

"Let me look at it. Oh, man! I've got a piece of hay on my face. Audrey, I look so dorky! Delete it. You better not put it on Facebook. I'm serious."


Are you tired of looking at sheep and goats yet? I'll take your silence as a "yes." But let me leave you with one last photo. It is of my sister and her boyfriend.


A tough relationship, I know. But they make it work!

Nice try

- I like when people invite me to theme parties and they think I'm going to follow along with said theme. Like "don't come unless you are dressed like the '80s!" Ha! Nice try. "We will make fun of you if you don't dress up!" That's cool. Bring it on, cuz I ain't dressing up. I only dress up on Halloween, and even then, I spent last Halloween with the swine flu (and I don't care what you say but it was the swine flu! It was not the regular flu. Stop yelling at me!)

- Recently I was trapped in the Amazon looking for items to purchase. I was looking for a massager because I have this kink in my neck that will only go away if I buy the Violet PleasureVibe. I scrolled down to look at "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought." There were more vibrators and then Rob Thomas's solo CD popped up. I wonder what woman out there was like "ooh, I like this one, this is going to give me multiple orgasms! But while I'm here, oh man, I sure loved that '90s adult contemporary band, Matchbox 20. I'll get the Rob Thomas album, too."

- I'll never be approached by vita.mn and asked, what are you wearing? Where do you like to shop? What is your style identity? But if I am, I plan to describe my look as "goth Ellen Degeneres."

Food-related music parody Friday

Lately me and my friend Jeff have exchanged via e-mail food-related parodies of famous songs. It's like we're doing Weird Al's work for him (except for we don't have to write lyrics). Also, what a way to kill time during the day.

Today's victim: The Beatles

From me:
"I Wanna Hold Your Ham"
"Eleanor Rib Meat"
"Help! (I'm Outta Food!)"

More to come from Jeff. And you?

A new blog, a new YOU!

Thanks to Julie and Julia the word "blog" from here on out will make me wince. If you've seen the movie you know what I'm talking about. Amy Adams uses it every other word, as a noun, as a verb, and maybe even as an adjective for her horrible haircut (best described as "bloggy").

After several tries here is a blog that is easy to find because my name is in the freakin' address! Boom. Simple. Nothing incriminating here, unless you are offended by naughty language and stress eating.

I am an aspiring comic in the Twin Cities. I have no delusions of grandeur. I'm new at this. We'll see what comes of it. Fame, fortune, a role as a bitchy, ball-busting wife in a Todd Phillips movie? One could hope!