Breaking Dawn part 1: The Script

Instead of writing a review of Breaking Dawn part 1 I am going to write the script as I heard it.

SCENE: Bella's house, or someone's house. Someone who is MAJOR RICH HOLY FUCK. Big ass house. Bella is nervous about her wedding to Edward Cullen.

Bella: I'm nervous about my wedding.

Ashley Greene, I don't know her character's name, it doesn't matter: You should learn to wear high heels and stop dressing like such a lesbian.

Some character, Nikki Reed? Lord she sucks: Hair! Makeup! Dress!

Later that day, Bella and Edward have an unnecessary conversation but the music indicates it's very important so let's watch.

Bella: I'm sort of nervous but whatevz.

Edward: I've been a vampire and I've killed a lot of people and it was totally great.

Bella: Right on.

SCENE: Wedding occurs. Jacob shows up. Some unnecessary conversation about feelings.

Blah blah blah, honeymoon.

Edward: It's so much fun to play chess and have sex in this wonderful house on our honeymoon than do anything or meet any people or have conversations with each other.

Bella: Agreed. Checkmate!

Bella eats chicken. It's disgusting. Did you know it's fake chicken because Kristen Stewart is a vegetarian? I made that up. Anyway she barfs.

Bella: My period is late.

Edward: What's that gotta do with me, babe? (I picture John Travolta saying this)

Bella: There is a baby inside of me and he is ready to party.

Edward: A BABY??!?!?! (he spits out the blood he was drinking in a comical fashion)(Two and a Half Men theme song plays)

Bella gets back to Colorado or Montana (?) and she's way sick and pregnant and she looks nasty, like the Cryptkeeper. "Here's a tale you can really sink your teeth into! Hee hee hee hee!" Anyway the next few scenes are like Rosemary's Baby in that she is pregnant and it makes her sick and gross but that's about it.

Jacob: Bella is pregnant and this is going to really mess with my tribe/pack! Let's war!

Bella is clearly about to have a very disgusting birth.

Peter Facinelli, man, he never really made it, did he?: This baby is going to kill Bella!

Bella: I'm right here lol.

Edward: I'll bite into her belly and pop that sucker out! (he does this)(that same damn audio of a baby crying you hear in every movie is heard, so you know the baby is alive)

Bella: Oh my daughter is beautiful! Bleh I'm dead.

Edward and Jacob: This upsets us as much as our facial expressions can allow (so not that upset I guess)

WAR!

Jacob comes to the really rich house to kill Edward and he sees Bella's baby whose name is Chattanooga Choo-Choo and he drops to his knees because the baby is so cute and it warms his heart.

Edward: Bella, no! I am a little upset that you're dead! I might go after that one girl with the big titties. Is that OK? I am going to bite you and make you a vampire! (he does this)

Audience collectively faints from the drama of it all and the upsetting birth scene. See you in 2012!

Eek!

If you give your car a name, I don't know, man... We can be friends, but... it won't be very serious.

Scream 4

I was going to give this post a subheading, which I thought was way more clever last night than I do this morning. Scream 4: A Walk Down Memory Lame. But that wouldn't be entirely true, because the 4th Scream movie is not lame. Certainly not as lame as Scream 3. I enjoyed myself, even though I made fun of it the whole way through (an easy feat, seeing as how I was one of only 3 or 4 people who say this Wednesday night show).

Let's travel back in time to 1996, when the first Scream came out. I was 14.

That's me on the right, with my friend, who is arranging a ride to the movie theater.

Scream was a horror movie, a comedy, and a movie for movie lovers. It was scary, funny, and had a good cast. Seeing Drew Barrymore in the beginning was like seeing an old friend you liked but had lost touch with. She hadn't even done a single romantic comedy yet. She was in her short-hair-and-daisy phase, doing interviews about being a recovering alcoholic and hating her mom. And her character, Casey, wound up gutted, hanging from a tree. I mean, that's Gertie!

When the movie ended, I jumped up and screamed "that kicked ASS!" because I was 14. Everyone in the theater needed to know my enthusiasm. It wasn't like I could go home and blog about it or anything. I mean, by 14, my movie obsession was already unhealthy. But this was the first movie I saw as a teen, a movie that later turned into a franchise, a movie that resurrected the horror genre from cheesy '80s obscurity, a movie that caused me to write poorly-structured sentences like this one!

Scream 2 came out the following year, when I was around 15 or 16. It was just as smart and fun. Roger Ebert, who didn't like the original, gave it a favorable review. I remember being broken-hearted when they killed off Randy (my Randy!) Ooh, and Tim Olyphant. I mean, goddayum.

Three years later Scream 3 opened to mostly negative reviews. Kevin Williamson didn't write it. I didn't care for it. I mean come on, it was 2000. I was 17 and busy now with a boyfriend and a cashier job! Scream 3 was bad. It was hacky, not funny, certainly not scary, and the killer was Scott Foley. The soft-hearted RA from Felicity! Ooh! I'm so scared! Look at those puppy-dog eyes! So full of rage!

Eleven (ELEVEN!*) years later, we have Scream 4, or Scre4m, or "Scree-FOUR-um" as I say in my head (sounds dirty). Scream 4 is a little, um, busy. There is a lot going on here, a lot of minor characters and not enough attention to the three survivors from the original. Sidney Prescott is now an author who wrote a book about courage, survival and facing your fears. And from the samples she reads in the movie, man, this book is mad shitty. Really contrived and dumb. Anyway people like it and she brings it to her hometown for a reading. Then some murders start a-hapn'n. Gale Riley aka Gale Weathers is unemployed (by choice, it seems) and also an aspiring writer. Too bad she has no ideas and write in all caps. Dewey Riley is still a sheriff. Like he didn't want to go back to school or be a cop or anything? Whatever.

The murders are not scary and none of them deviate from stab wounds. None of the characters are given enough screen time to make the audience grow used to them, so that when they die, it's really not that big of a deal. Oh well. Emma Roberts is Sidney's cousin, Jill, and it seems that Ghostface is after all of Jill's friends because Sidney had to come back to her hometown. The nerve! There is this hilarious moment when Sidney walks out of her house after some murders occur and there are townsfolk making comments about how it's Sidney's fault. "She shouldn't have come back! It's her fault!" Hahaha. What?

But I still liked it. I felt like it was made for me, like a personalized greeting card. "Audrey, we know you liked the Scream movies, so here's another one, it's half-baked, but still kinda good." Even if it's not scary and I wouldn't recommend it, I still left feeling exhilarated, like I had just won a prize. Some batshit stuff just happened on screen that I got to be a witness to for $7.50. That's cool with me. I think Scream 4's saving grace it's that it's not boring. The pace doesn't slow to a hault whenever people talk. It never meanders or stays too long in any sentimental moments. It's all stab-stab-stab-witty remark-stab-shoot-pop culture reference-stab. Oh, and a little necessary overacting. That helps, too.

* lol. That's an Almost Famous reference! I don't even like that movie but thought I'd sneak it in there anyway

"Til the World Ends"

Tonight I watched "Til the World Ends" by Britney Spears at least half a dozen times. It's a good song. It's catchy, vapid, tries a little harder than it needs to in some parts. The sound gets muffled near the end, like you're hearing it pulsing from a club as you walk by. I got nothing but love for Britney. If it weren't for her I would never get to experience listening to "Toxic" while waiting for the WALK sign. Also I love terrible things.

Here's the video.



There are some moments that feel a little... Off. I know she's always been dead-eyed and expressionless, and that her face can only convey things like "yay for me!" or maybe "I dropped my ice cream" But seriously. Look at these screenshots.

Girl lookin' tired. "These lights are really bright you guys."


I wonder if anyone would notice if I took a little nap at this part.


What's going on here? She looks like she sleepwalked through the first half of the video and she woke up just now. "Wha-wha-what's going on?"

This screenshot comes from 1:40. It doesn't even look like her.

That's not even her! That's Jennifer Coolidge I think. Sweet! She's hilarious. I love in Legally Blonde where she's all like "I'm taking the dog!"

At this point she remembers. "I'm filming a video. WEEEEEE!!!"


The best screenshot I grabbed is right here. It's during the moment in her videos where she tilts her head to the side. It's the really important part.


XOXO

American Girl

What follows is a story of my trip to the American Girl store at Mall of America. "Audrey, did you go in there just so you could snark about how stupid it was?" is your first thought, and no, I didn't. I'm mentoring a 9-year-old girl who saw the big red storefront in the mess of logos that is Nickelodeon Universe (eck) and she wanted to go. She really wanted to go.

"American Girls, isn't that all that doll shit?" you would ask if you were never a girl, and you would be right. American Girl started out as books. Books about different girls of different ethnicities during different time periods. My favorite was Felicity.

Why? Because I liked stories set in colonial times and horses? Lord no. Because she had red hair, and when I was a kid I thought girls with red hair were so pretty. I knew a redhead in my grade school who looked just like Felicity and I wanted to adopt her. Pippi Longstocking was undoubtedly my favorite storybook anarchist/pathological liar. Amy Yasbeck. Etc. The illustrations in the books were good, but they couldn't save the stories from being so bland. Felicity was a horse girl, I wasn't. End of American Girl fanship.

The American Girl mecca was once just a series of books (I remember when they first said hi to their "one black friend," Addy). Now, it's a franchise of dolls and accessories. The books are second tier. In fact, the books could be considered just an accessory to the dolls (an accessory you have to READ! Blech!!) When I was a kid (back in the 1800s!) I wanted an American Girl doll. Well, I wanted one as much as I knew they were expensive and that other girls had the doll and I wanted to fit in. I knew that I would only get the books, though. In fact, I mentioned the American Girl doll over the phone once to my aunt as a Christmas present possibility and she laughed. Rightfully so. Before accessories, the dolls were about $60 then ($100 now).

Fast forward 20 or so years to now, and here I am, at the American Girl store at the Mall of America. Little girls are attacking the shelves for the accessories and dolls they want and their moms are happy to oblige. No dads in sight, but I did spot an unhappy little brother. I looked at the price tags to determine if maybe they weren't as bad as I thought. This tiny doll right here, who is shorter than Barbie? $22.

And she doesn't have half of Barbie's charisma or partying, fun-loving nature!

I walked through the store with a 9-year-old who wanted to "window shop." You know what window shopping turns into? An aggressive, relentless need to buy stuff. And when you're surrounded by girls holding $100 dolls, you want one, too. There is even a doll hair salon at this store. You know, when you don't feel like brushing your doll's hair or are just not as attracted to her anymore. I was happy to brush my Barbie's hair. If I didn't like the style, I braided it. If I think she needed to be edgier, I painted her hair with red permanent marker. And so on.

I wondered aloud to my little where Felicity was. I told her I liked Felicity when I was her age (for like a whole year!) Well, I unfortunately was in earshot of an American Girl store employee. And not one of the bored, sad people behind the register in polos and khakis. An energized, doll-fanatic gay in a black suit and headseat.

"Felicity left our store last week," he said, making this face :( It was like Felicity had died, or like she got a job in Singapore and maybe we'll see her at Christmas. I smiled politely and wanted to grab my little's hand and tell her that I smelled poisonous gas.

My little seemed so broken-hearted. Not just at the fact that she didn't have one of these dolls (her parents must not love her that much!) but that none of these dolls had short hair like she does. You could get a doll that looks like you personalized and shipped to your front door! Unless you have short hair, of course. Because then, well, fuck you.

I wanted to impart some knowledge upon her about materialism and peer pressure and feeling alienated and how none of this stuff will matter in a few years anyway. "You see those girls over there, watching their dolls get their hair done? Those girls are NOT going to wind up on the Supreme Court, let me tell you that!" But it was useless. I knew what it was like to be that age, growing up in a family that has less money than hers does, wanting to have the same things other kids have. I was able to temporarily divert her attention when I found my safe haven. No materialism, no judgments. Just love.

Natalie Portman sucks

Yeah I know I'm probably too tired to actually write something insightful about this. And I know this probably has something to do with the hostility I have toward my own gender (oh sure, like I'm the first), but Natalie Portman sucks.

Whenever you see her in a movie, it's not "oh, it's that character, so-n-so," or "that's the movie where she plays that doctor/nurse/mom/etc," it's just like "oh, there's Natalie Portman, being shitty." And I know you'll say "oh but she's good in Beautiful Girls!" That shitty movie no one would even remember if it weren't for how famous she got? Somewhere there is a DVD of that movie sitting in a clearance bin for $2. Because no one cares. I won't even count her as Queen Amiblahblahblah* because 1) the Star Wars prequels are irrelevant to me and 2) I wish I had a grilled cheese.

You might bring up Closer but I don't remember that movie, like, at all. Except for that song in the end, because my mom plays it on her kitchen stereo all the time. The bottom line is, I'm hilarious. But the real bottom line is, this girl can't act. She's a walking Noxema commercial who made it big. I want to see her be miscast as an illiterate single mom so I can just laugh and laugh.

Now, do I really even care about this? No. Am I drunk? Also, no. Will I post this without editing? Yes. But my point remains clear, as clear as the skin in a Noxema commercial I previously mentioned.

* oh and that's a Pee Wee Herman reference, chumps

Get out and vote today!

I'm voting for Mayor McCheese. I really like his stance on fries and healthcare.

The red M&M is a drunk

See?
I can just picture this asshole being really drunk at a bar and interrupting people. I bet he'd be like "yo I gotta go, guys" and put like $7 on the table when he clearly drank the whole pitcher and ate more than half the fries.

Machete

Before I review Machete and become even more unpopular, let me say that I LOVED Grindhouse (2007). Grindhouse + Audrey 4 eva, my spiral notebook might say on the back cover.


Loved it. It's fun, it's gory, it's silly, it's playful, it's two movies in one. It's the Pert Plus of movies if instead of washing and detangling your hair it killed your face off (pretend I said something cooler there). It starts with a hilarious trailer for Machete, followed by Robert Rodriguez's zombie movie Planet Terror. Before the second movie are three more fake trailers for B-movies and the film ends with Quentin Tarantino's car chase/girl power! revenge flick, Death Proof. People know who Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino are and what their movies are like. The film looks grainy and choppy; at one point there is a "Missing Reel" slide during what was otherwise a hot sex scene. It's supposed to look like drive-through B-movie camp from the '70s. Hot girls and gore. Rose McGowan is underrated. I loved it all around.

No one else did. Or at least, not enough people to make it a box office success. People were confused that it was TWO movies in one and some left after the first one. Others were apparently bothered by having to sit through two movies (oh no! Dear God! TWO?! I WANTED TO SEE ONE!!!!) Most of the critics whose opinion I seriously consider when I see a movie liked it. When Ebert was healthy enough to review it, he was not impressed. I thought it was fun and ridiculous, even if Death Proof dragged (the payoff was worth it. Kurt Russell wails like a dramatic child in one scene. Too funny). It didn't last very long in theaters and once it came out on DVD, it was released as two separate and inferior movies. Grindhouse will only be released in it's entirety on Blu-Ray, over three years after its theatrical release.

Machete, starring Danny Trejo, was the most marketable of all of the fake trailers. It's fun and silly and violent in a little over two minutes. Also, two sets of bare boobs. It started off the movie on a high note. Now it's an actual movie, directed by Rodriguez and co-directed by Ethan Maniquis. Danny Trejo has this look on his face like he knows he's bad as hell but he's too cool too care, like his mind is on something else (did I return my library books?) Just as in the trailer, Machete is framed for murder and uncovers a larger conspiracy, leaving bodies and blood in his wake. Robert DeNiro plays an anti-immigration senator up for re-election who doesn't want anyone to mess with Texas. Jessica Alba is an immigrations cop and a love interest for Machete, and her range of emotion never seems to contort how pretty her face is (which is to say, her range is limited). Lindsay Lohan has a few lines and looks adorable with her freckles and wavy, yellow hair. Michelle Rodriguez is the owner of a taco stand and a rebellious, no-nonsense hottie. Other actors in small to larger parts are Cheech Marin, Don Johnson and Jeff Fahey (reprising his role in the trailer).


The violence is fun, Trejo is beautiful, Steven Seagal is ponytailed, and a scene involving one unlucky individuals' intestines was delightful. Yet, I feel like... So? It's awkward how the scenes in the Machete trailer fit into the movie. I'm not surprised at these moments and I feel like the audience responded most positively to them. I liked the timely subject matter, but the movie as a whole took itself way too seriously. It's not nearly as fun or funny as the trailer, save for a few moments ("Machete don't text"). Jessica Alba is as bland as she's ever been. Keep her in romantic comedies, please. The editing feels kind of done at the last minute and only one scene (the intestines scene) really gets the gore right. I wanted more "oh shit, did that just happen?!" moments like I had during Piranha 3D.

I still liked this movie, I like that Danny Trejo is the star of a major picture and I like the commentary on immigration paired with the violence. However, it just didn't have the fun and campiness in 105 minutes that it had in those first 2:22 of Grindhouse.

A text message conversation between my sister Emily and I this morning.

Emily: I'm at Mystic Lake Casino for a conference. There's rotating seat covers on the toilets. Fancy!

Me: Yeah that's for the old people at the casinos b/c they're complainy germaphobes.

Emily: But it feels so sanitary and special.

Your mama is a sheep

Like you, I spent Mother's Day with my mom. Also like you, I took her to the Sheep and Wool Festival at the Washington County Fairgrounds in Lake Elmo, MN.

This goat told me a secret. I cannot tell anyone what he told me. It's frightening and it will go with me to my grave. OK, I CANNOT KEEP IT IN ANY LONGER!!! He told me that he's adorable.

I'm bad at keeping secrets!

This guy below wants to know what you're doing this weekend. Are you free? He's free. He's bored. Are you going to a party? He'd love to go. Where is it? If you're not going to a party, want to stay in and watch a movie?

Alpacas are kind of snooty. You say skittish, I say snooty.

Too good to tell me secrets like the goat did. Psh. Whatever. I'm not hurt or anything. It's not like I'm crying right now over this keyboard.

My younger brother, James, posed for a photo.

Don't even think about making a joke about his horns. He's heard 'em all!

These sheep were running away from my latest open mic. I'm kidding! They were being herded by a border collie (who by coincidence was running away from my latest open mic)

I took this little guy home. OOPS, was I not supposed to?

So cute. What shall I name him? I've never named a goat before except for those 7 times. Maybe Waffles Ebert Danny Trejo Callerstrom III, but I haven't given it much thought.

"Let me look at it. Oh, man! I've got a piece of hay on my face. Audrey, I look so dorky! Delete it. You better not put it on Facebook. I'm serious."


Are you tired of looking at sheep and goats yet? I'll take your silence as a "yes." But let me leave you with one last photo. It is of my sister and her boyfriend.


A tough relationship, I know. But they make it work!

Nice try

- I like when people invite me to theme parties and they think I'm going to follow along with said theme. Like "don't come unless you are dressed like the '80s!" Ha! Nice try. "We will make fun of you if you don't dress up!" That's cool. Bring it on, cuz I ain't dressing up. I only dress up on Halloween, and even then, I spent last Halloween with the swine flu (and I don't care what you say but it was the swine flu! It was not the regular flu. Stop yelling at me!)

- Recently I was trapped in the Amazon looking for items to purchase. I was looking for a massager because I have this kink in my neck that will only go away if I buy the Violet PleasureVibe. I scrolled down to look at "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought." There were more vibrators and then Rob Thomas's solo CD popped up. I wonder what woman out there was like "ooh, I like this one, this is going to give me multiple orgasms! But while I'm here, oh man, I sure loved that '90s adult contemporary band, Matchbox 20. I'll get the Rob Thomas album, too."

- I'll never be approached by vita.mn and asked, what are you wearing? Where do you like to shop? What is your style identity? But if I am, I plan to describe my look as "goth Ellen Degeneres."

Food-related music parody Friday

Lately me and my friend Jeff have exchanged via e-mail food-related parodies of famous songs. It's like we're doing Weird Al's work for him (except for we don't have to write lyrics). Also, what a way to kill time during the day.

Today's victim: The Beatles

From me:
"I Wanna Hold Your Ham"
"Eleanor Rib Meat"
"Help! (I'm Outta Food!)"

More to come from Jeff. And you?

A new blog, a new YOU!

Thanks to Julie and Julia the word "blog" from here on out will make me wince. If you've seen the movie you know what I'm talking about. Amy Adams uses it every other word, as a noun, as a verb, and maybe even as an adjective for her horrible haircut (best described as "bloggy").

After several tries here is a blog that is easy to find because my name is in the freakin' address! Boom. Simple. Nothing incriminating here, unless you are offended by naughty language and stress eating.

I am an aspiring comic in the Twin Cities. I have no delusions of grandeur. I'm new at this. We'll see what comes of it. Fame, fortune, a role as a bitchy, ball-busting wife in a Todd Phillips movie? One could hope!