Nice try

- I like when people invite me to theme parties and they think I'm going to follow along with said theme. Like "don't come unless you are dressed like the '80s!" Ha! Nice try. "We will make fun of you if you don't dress up!" That's cool. Bring it on, cuz I ain't dressing up. I only dress up on Halloween, and even then, I spent last Halloween with the swine flu (and I don't care what you say but it was the swine flu! It was not the regular flu. Stop yelling at me!)

- Recently I was trapped in the Amazon looking for items to purchase. I was looking for a massager because I have this kink in my neck that will only go away if I buy the Violet PleasureVibe. I scrolled down to look at "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought." There were more vibrators and then Rob Thomas's solo CD popped up. I wonder what woman out there was like "ooh, I like this one, this is going to give me multiple orgasms! But while I'm here, oh man, I sure loved that '90s adult contemporary band, Matchbox 20. I'll get the Rob Thomas album, too."

- I'll never be approached by vita.mn and asked, what are you wearing? Where do you like to shop? What is your style identity? But if I am, I plan to describe my look as "goth Ellen Degeneres."